I Can Never Go Home Anymore
by Tehri
Summary: After an argument with her mother, Anna Kirkland leaves her home, with no intention of coming back. But there is doubt, isn't there...? / fem!UK, USxUK and FrUK.


There was no one else nearby, despite the fact that she had family. No one else, except the dead and buried. But her emerald eyes did not leave the headstone, nor the name and the words on it. _In loving memory of Helen Kirkland, most beloved wife and mother. Gone, but never forgotten._ She stared for a while. This grave hadn't been here for long. At most a few days. Had they tried to find her? Had they wondered why she hadn't come to the funeral? If they hadn't, then they didn't care about how she had left...

"Mum," she whispered, trying to calm herself, make her hands stop shaking. "Mum... No..."

* * *

_I'm gonna hide if she don't leave me alone!  
I'm gonna run away!  
Don't!_  
'_Cause you can never go home anymore..._

Anna had always been a quiet girl. She never did much to draw attention to herself, she preferred to keep to herself and read. A quiet bookish girl. But she had many friends still, although there weren't many girls among them. The boys she knew sometimes attempted to make her go out with one of them, only to fail. She had never been interested in either of them, especially not the most persistent one. Francis Bonnefoy. The Frenchman had a reputation of claiming to be a love expert, but he was seen with different girls (and boys, for that matter) every week. However, he seemed to have a soft spot for Anna in particular, as he, despite every rejection, kept pursuing her at all times. The one time she asked him why he did it, he explained that it was fate that he should fall for her. Fate. She had never believed in that... But perhaps there was some sort of fate, after all.

Because one day, _he_ came. Alfred F. Jones, a boy who was everything the average bimbo would ever want, and at the same time he was nothing of all that. He was everywhere and nowhere, he was loud one moment and then he was quiet, he'd be poking his nose into someone else's business only to suddenly leave everyone alone.

At first, she had been standing in a quiet forest, the only sound being the rustling of the leaves in the wind. But suddenly, a whirlwind swept into the forest and tore off several leaves from their boughs, whirled around the trees. And around her. Alfred seemed to take an interest in the quiet British girl who never seemed to be interested in what he did or what he talked about, who never tried to approach him. He followed her around, talked to her without being bothered about if she replied or not, somehow got a hold of her phone number and sent her several texts every day... Until she slowly began to come out of her shell and began to respond. This did not happen until he asked her to tutor him for History class, and during one session he suddenly said those four words that nearly made her heart stop, that made a wild blush rise on her cheeks, that made her drop her pen and stare at him in shock.

"W-what?"

"You heard what I said. Go out with me."

"... I-it's not a question...?"

"Nope. I want you to go out with me. That's all. I mean, ya don't have to if you don't wanna, just... I like you, and I wanna go out with you."

She wasn't certain about why she said yes. It just happened. All of a sudden, the words rolled off her tongue, as if she had been waiting to say them for a long time. And the smile on his face made it all worth it. Suddenly, she wasn't alone in that forest. The whirlwind would stay with her.

_Listen. Does this sound familiar?  
You wake up every morning, go to school every day,  
Spend your nights on the corner, just passing time away.  
Your life is so lonely, like a child without a toy.  
Then a miracle – a boy.  
And that's called "glad"..._

There was one obstacle, though. Anna's family. The minute she brought Alfred home for the first time, they instantly disliked him. Her father huffed and wouldn't say anything. Her brothers began to criticise her choice, and even went as far as to threaten Alfred with bodily harm if he ever laid a finger on her. For someone who normally didn't respond very well to threats (as Anna had learnt after seeing the fistfight he got into with Ivan Braginski at school), the American dealt with it all quite well. They sat alone in the kitchen and talked. Just talked, about anything. Alfred was a good listener. But during the conversation, at a point when Alfred was explaining the plot in one of his favourite movies, Anna saw her mother, Helen, stop by the doorway and look at them; there was curiosity in her eyes, something that suddenly faded into sadness and exasperation. Anna had seen that look before, just before her mother told the oldest of the brothers that his girlfriend would break up with him soon. She had been right. And that was the only reason the British girl had for not liking that look. It was as if Helen just knew what was going on in peoples' minds, as if she could see what was in their hearts. Things that no one else should know.

Anna always loved Helen very much. The woman was her mother, after all, and she had taken good care of her little daughter. Because little, yes, that was what Anna was; not only was she the youngest, she was also the thinnest. Helen often talked about that, said that her daughter wasn't eating enough and so on. But hadn't she always been that skinny? Of course she had. But that was not the problem. The problem was that, about a month after Alfred got together with Anna, Helen began to try to "talk some sense" into the young girl.

"You don't know what real love is, yet, sweetheart," she said softly, trying to ignore the burning gaze that suddenly was directed at her. "Please, Anna, understand... I understand how a relationship can look glamorous, I know how that first love feels. But it's not really love. It's just the thought of suddenly having a boyfriend, of feeling like no one can ever break you... Anna, I really do know. Please, you must understand."

"Mum, I love him," Anna yelled in reply. "I know that I do! For Christ's sake, I should know what I'm thinking and feeling, shouldn't I? Alfred is perfect!"

"Perfection isn't everything, and if he's completely perfect, then something is wrong. Don't you see, Anna? There _is_ no such thing as perfection when it comes to love!"

"But, mum...!"

"It's not really love, Anna! You think that it is, but you have to listen to me! You shy away when he tries to take your hand, you don't want him to kiss you in public... Are you _afraid_ of him? I don't think so, then you wouldn't be near him."

"Shut up!"

"If you loved him, you wouldn't look away when he tries to make eye contact, Anna! Please, listen! You don't love him, and whatever he is feeling, I very much doubt that it's love!"

"You're just saying that he could have any girl! I know that already! But he chose _me_! _Me_! Isn't that all that matters?" Tears had started to stream down her cheeks as she continued to yell. "You don't know anything! I love him, and I want to be with him! I don't care about what you say!"

_Now, my mom is a good mom, and she loves me with all her heart.  
But she said I was too young to be in love,  
And the boy and I would have to part.  
It didn't matter how I ranted and raved, I screamed, I pleaded, I cried.  
She told me it was not really love,  
Only my girlish pride.  
And that's called "bad"...  
(Never go home anymore)_

"A-Anna? Love? What are you doing?"

She glanced over her shoulder, seeing the frightened look on her mother's face. While she felt as if something was attempting to break her heart by making her see that look, there was something else in her that just curled up into a small ball of satisfaction.

_That's it_, it said. _That's the look. Let her see that you're not willing to be babied anymore, especially not when it comes to your own feeling. You don't want to hear anyone tell you that you're wrong about what you feel..._

"I'm packing," she replied calmly. "What does it look like?"

"But..." Helen's voice shook slightly. "Y-you don't have to go anywhere..."

"I don't care." She picked up her bag and shoved past her mother in the doorway. "I'm leaving."

"What? A-Anna, no! Please, don't-"

"I'm not your bloody baby girl anymore, mum! I can take care of myself! And I bloody well don't need you to tell me what I'm _feeling_!"

She practically ran down the stairs to grab her jacket, and her mother was not far behind. A mother who was crying and trying to pull her into a hug, begging her to stay. She didn't listen, she knew that she was right.

_You are, aren't you? You're right in doing this._

This woman didn't understand. She'd never understand. And as Anna opened the door and walked outside, not once looking back, she heard Helen let out a loud wail. Had her mother ever sounded so pained before? Like someone was ripping her heart out? No, not according to what she could recall. There had been crying before, of course, when Anna or her brothers landed in the hospital because of broken bones or anything like that, but it had never been... this.

_Don't hesitate_, the satisfied little ball in her whispered. _Go on._

She really didn't know how long it was since she had left home. All she knew was that she had been staying with different friends for some time, and that she hadn't thought of Alfred a single time until now... Right now, she sat on a bench in the park, curled up under a thick blanket, and tried to hold back her tears. She thought back, to the nights when she was younger and had nightmares, when Helen would come into her room and lay down next to her, hug her tightly and sing to her to calm her down. And those thoughts hurt, they hurt so much... She didn't _want_ to think about it, but her mind seemed to insist on that she had to focus on that.

_Don't cry, Anna_, she had said. _There now, love, it's alright. Mum's here. I'm here, love, it's alright._

Tears began to fall, and a weak sob escaped her lips. She missed it, she missed her mother's warm embrace. She missed her home, her father's voice, her brothers' laughter, and her mother's loving smile.

"Mama," she whispered as she buried her face in her hands. "M-mama..."

_Now, if that's happened to you, don't let this...  
I packed my clothes and left home that night.  
Though she begged me to stay, I was sure I was right...  
And you know something funny? I forgot that boy, right away.  
Instead, I remembered being tucked in bed, and hearing my mama say:_  
"_Hush, little baby, don't you cry. Mama won't go away."  
Mama!  
(You can never go home anymore!)  
Mama!  
I can never go home anymore..._

_

* * *

_

The shock from seeing her mother's grave would always be in her thoughts. But she was grown up now, and it had been almost eight years since that happened... After seeing the grave, she had gone to see her family, although she hadn't known what to tell them. She hadn't needed any words; as soon as her brothers laid eyes on her, they tackled her to the floor and embraced her, asking her where she had been, how she was feeling... When her father finally got to hug her, he was crying and whispering her name, saying that he hoped that it wasn't a dream again, that he had missed her so much... And she was crying too, she could hear the sobs passing over her own lips, she heard her own voice whisper "daddy, daddy" over and over again. But at the same time, she felt that she shouldn't be there... When they finally sat down and talked, they explained what had happened to Helen; she had gotten hit by a car, about a month after Anna had left. And upon hearing this, an odd sense of relief flooded Anna's mind, relief at hearing that it wasn't her fault. It wasn't because of her. But when the evening came, she decided to leave again. She felt that she didn't belong there anymore. They were her family, true, and she loved them very much, but she couldn't stay.

Now, eight years later, she was sitting in a spacious lit up living room with her hands on her slightly larger stomach; she gazed down at the bump with a warm smile, feeling happier about being pregnant than she had ever thought that she might be.

"You look beautiful, _ma chérie_." She looked to the doorway, seeing her husband standing there with a warm smile on his face. "Do you want something?"

"You don't have to fetch everything for me, Francis," she huffed, but the smile on her face didn't disappear. "I can still walk. I'm pregnant, not an invalid in a wheelchair."

When thinking back, she wasn't certain about why she had married him. But after she had left her old home again, she had run into him, and he had been so relieved to see that she was alright. He had told her where she could stay (after she had refused to stay at his house), he had helped her find a good job... He had done so much for her, and he hadn't left her once. He wanted to be there, he wanted to be a part of her life. And soon enough, they had started to date. It really hadn't been that long before Francis actually proposed to her, and a mere year after that, they were married... They were both still very young, but they knew what they wanted, and they knew that this was right.

"Do you still think about him...?" Francis walked over to her and sank down on his knees, gently trailing his hand over her stomach. "Alfred, I mean..."

She tilted her head.

"At times," she replied. "At times I'll wonder why he didn't look for me. I wonder why he never tried to find me and bring me back... And then I feel confused, I wonder why I should care..."

Her husband took her hand, planting gentle kisses on the back of it.

"He didn't care enough, I suppose," he said softly. "But I could never do such a thing, _ma belle_. I couldn't abandon you... I love you far too much." Then, he chuckled. "To think that you will become a mother. How does it feel, Anna?"

She hesitated. Would she be a good mother...? Or would she make mistakes? No, everyone made mistakes. As long as she loved and cherished her child, it should be alright, shouldn't it...? Children got angry with their parents a lot, at least from what she knew. She could handle that. As long as it wouldn't last...

"It feels rather good," she said slowly, lifting her head and gazing at a photograph on the mantelpiece; a photo of Helen. "Confusing... But I'm happy. I'm going to be a mother... And I like it." She smiled warmly. "If I'm confused about something, I can always ask mum."

_Do you ever get that feeling, and wanna kiss and hug her?  
Do it now. Tell her you love her.  
Don't do to your mom what I did to mine...  
She grew so lonely in the end,  
Angels picked her for a friend...  
(Never)  
And I can never... go home... (never) anymore...  
And that's called... sad..._

_

* * *

**Author: Yeeaaaah, it's been ages since I last posted ANYTHING... And this is the best I could do to get going again. Anyway. Song used is "I Can Never Go Home Anymore" by the American group The Shangri-Las.**  
_


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